Now that we are starting a new year, I’ve decided it’s time to look back and reflect on the five and a half years since Chris died on 6/25/2016. Where am I now? How did I get here?

It hasn’t always been an easy road, but much easier than I anticipated because of the help I have received along the way—not only from family, long-time friends, and new friends—but especially with God’s guidance.

I lost more than just a husband when Chris died. I lost my best friend, my confidante, provider, lover, advisor, spiritual leader, companion, encourager, inspiration, errand runner, driver, handyman, cook, chore helper, yard worker, support system, protector, and bug killer. I remember the first time I had to capture a gecko that found its way into the house, I broke down and cried. That was Chris’ job to get rid of unwanted creatures. Even the simple things that Chris always handled like checking the car’s tire pressure or replacing the battery in the garage door keypad had me in tears. (I didn’t know the thing even ran on batteries.)

I realized I couldn’t walk through this alone. My first step was to join a GriefShare group at my church, which started just a couple of months after Chris died. I learned to move toward healing from grief by reflecting on memories while allowing myself to grieve. I thought of Chris' love for me as well as the Lord's love. They were carrying me in the rough times.

I quit focusing on what I lost and became joyful of what I had. I had experienced my husband’s love and devotion for me and for the Lord. Chris had been given six months to live. I was grateful that God gave me six extra years with him. I have a wonderful family. A home. Reliable transportation. A career. People who care about me and are willing to help me when needed. A “ministry” to help others going through cancer and the death of a loved one. I learned to understand what it looks like to have joy and peace amid my grief.

I rekindled old friendships and made new ones. Chris was truly my best friend. It was only after he died that I realized I didn’t have another current best friend in the wings. I had focused the last 32 years on my husband, children, work, our family’s activities, and managing our home. Sure, I had friends, but no one I talked with or ran around with on a regular basis. I hadn’t made time to cultivate any new deep relationships. So I got back in touch with friends from grade school through college and made new friends through church and support groups.

I joined a widows’ encouragement group. It was so helpful to talk with women who had been through or were going through similar experiences. Seeing that most widows’ groups consisted of elderly widows, another young widow and I started a social group for young, active widows.

Our family changed our celebrations to be different. Holidays were hard without Chris—especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. Things wouldn’t be the same without him. I just couldn’t get in the festive holiday spirit when my heart was aching for Chris to be there. We even opened our Christmas presents in a different part of the house than was customary.

I turned our tragedy into something positive to help others. About five months after Chris died, a friend kept insisting I publish Chris’ inspirational blog and write a book for caregivers because I had learned so much that could help others in a similar situation. I totally dismissed the idea because I’d never had a desire to write a book, didn’t now how to publish a book, and didn’t know what I would even title such a book. However, after God clearly gave me the title for my book, I felt He was pushing me to do it. I became excited about it, and that’s all I could focus on during the next year and a half.

I simultaneously published Chris’ blog and my book two years after he died. No one bothered to tell me publishing one book alone is hard, let alone two at the same time. Not knowing any better, I simply did it with my publisher and God leading the way and opening each door as needed without giving me a vision in advance of everything it would require of me. If He had shown me, I’m sure I would have chickened out. My book won a Christian literary award in 2018. In 2019, Chris’ book was translated into Dutch and published by one of the largest Christian publishers in the Netherlands. I began doing book signings at bookstores and speaking to small groups, sharing how God carried Chris and me through his cancer journey. Not an easy feat for this introvert! God had definitely taken me completely out of my comfort zone.

I continued moving forward with my life. By mid-2018, two years had now passed, and I was yearning for male companionship. Chris had told me he wanted and expected me to remarry. Was my heart ready? Could I really love another man as much as I loved Chris? A guest speaker at a widows’ group talked on that very subject. She gave the analogy of parents of an only child thinking they could never love another child as much as they loved the first child. But when additional children were born, they quickly discovered their hearts grew big enough to include just as much love for each additional child. She coached us that our heart will make room to love another man, even if the new man is completely different than our husband was. Different can be exciting and just as good or even better.

I was finally ready to start dating. But God had other plans. A month after the books were published, I began co-writing a screenplay “One More Mountain” based on our true story in our books. No, I had no prior experience in this field either. But it was fun learning a new skill once again. I felt the Lord wanted more people to hear His love story and how He carried us through the trials in Chris’ cancer journey. The script won a Hollywood competition and placed in the top 25 of another competition that had over 13,000 entries. Our entertainment attorney has found some Christian producers who are willing to produce our screenplay if we get a cast attached. The potential cast our attorney has contacted wants a contract before they will commit. A catch-22. We are in the process of trying to raise the funds necessary to proceed. I haven’t tried to raise funds since selling grapefruit in high school for a band trip. This is WAAAAAY out of my comfort zone. If you have any connections interested in donating or investing in the project, please let me know. Please also pray for God’s direction on when/where/how to proceed so we can shine a light on God’s story and give Him the glory for carrying my family through many trials, while also bringing an awareness to the general public that if you have lungs, you can get lung cancer.

One day at a widows’ encouragement group meeting, the leader asked us to look back on our life without our husbands. Had we moved forward with life, or were we “stuck” in our grief? I broke down in tears, as I had been feeling “stuck” reliving our experiences over and over while writing and publishing the books and writing the screenplay. I wanted to move forward with my life but felt I was stuck in the past. What man would want to date a widow who was still focusing on life with her late husband? Another widow quickly pointed out I wasn’t “stuck” in my grief—God had “placed” me in my grief for the purpose of helping others. The right man will be willing to walk alongside me with my ministry.

I began reading books on dating. I hadn’t dated anyone since I starting dating Chris in 1983. In April 2019, after reading a book, “When God Writes Your Love Story,” I prayed for the type of man I want to marry, with “spiritual leader of the home” being number one on my list. Yes, I have a list of traits I’m looking for. I am going to be very picky and not date just anyone. I don’t want to have to kiss a lot of frogs before I find my prince.

I decided to add a P.S. to my prayer. I was hoping for a musician this time. Chris had many great qualities, but he didn’t have musical talent, and I’m a musician.

Literally a few days later, a friend from junior high (a former neighbor) contacted me through social media out of the blue. He was interested in pursuing me. God has a sense of humor. This guy was a professional musician in Tennessee and has a music ministry. Country music. I was not a country music fan. I guess I wasn’t specific enough in my prayers. Anyway, we hit it off over the phone and pursued a long-distance relationship for five months before deciding we were better off just remaining great friends. We stayed in close contact for the next year and a half encouraging each other with our ministries while both looking for the right relationship to pursue for marriage. In my new prayers for a man, I took out my request for a musician and specified I don’t want a long-distance relationship.

My second relationship began in February 2021. We met online through eHarmony. He was the first guy I agreed to meet in person and has a Master’s degree from Dallas Theological Seminary. Until the COVID pandemic, he had a ministry taking DTS students into the real world, showing how easy evangelism can be. He encouraged me to stay in God’s Word, memorize Scripture, and encouraged me to pray out loud with him—something I always had a hard time doing, even in front of just Chris. Yes, this guy could be the spiritual leader of the home. But in late September, we agreed that a future marriage wasn’t in the works for us. Yet because we still cared for each other, got along well, and enjoyed the companionship, we continued staying in touch for a few more months, encouraging each other through life’s endeavors. It’s hard to leave a great relationship, but we realized it’s necessary if we both want to move forward to pursue marriage with someone else. We are genuinely praying for each other that God will bring the right lifetime partner into our lives.

I continued to get out of my comfort zone. I’m not a world traveler and had never used my passport. Even though my older son, Chad, has lived in Europe since 2014, I had never had a desire/courage to visit a foreign country—especially now as a single woman. Chad, my daughter-in-law, and granddaughter live in Spain, and for the first time, they wouldn’t be returning to the United States for Christmas 2021. They asked if I would be willing to come to Spain, dangling my granddaughter as a carrot in front of me. I mustered up the courage to go, and they were great about walking me through the process to expect for customs, passport control, and security at the airports, including hand-drawn maps to alleviate some of my anxiety. They also met me at the airport.

Being encouraged to spread my wings and fly (literally) allowed me to experience a wonderful Christmas abroad with family and spend time with my rapidly growing 2-year-old grandchild while exploring some interesting and enjoyable things: Eat my first (and second and third) xuixo (a/k/a “chucho”—a deep-fried, sugar-coated crème-filled pastry); see the Cathedral, walk the streets, and walk on the Wall in Girona; view the Mediterranean Sea at sunset; hike and picnic in the mountains; and experience a different culture.

Throughout these last several years, I’ve tried to remember the lesson Chris left behind for me through the date of his death coinciding with his favorite Scripture, beginning with Matthew 6:25 which tells us, “Do not worry. God is in control.” (See my blog God’s Perfect Timing.)

I’m excited to see what the Lord holds in store for me in 2022.