I shared my heart with my Bible study group last month. Below is what I sent to them:
I've been reminiscing today looking at some old blogs I've written and am still amazed at how God has used my life over the last 14 years to help others. I'm hesitant to speak up sometimes during our Bible study "Sharing" questions for fear I may come across as trying to use our group to promote my books. But it's time I speak up.
It’s been a while since I’ve written a brand new blog post. I felt I had nothing new to say, as I’d previously poured my heart out and shared all the wisdom I could think of to help others who are going through a devastating medical diagnosis, caregiving, preparing for the loss of a loved one, grief, and/or moving forward with life.
And then Thursday, Friday, and Sunday happened.
Every year, more women die from lung cancer than from breast cancer according to the American Cancer Society. Early detection is the key to survival, as my friend Cindy Johnston can attest to. I met Cindy in 1998 when she was my sons’ choir director in elementary school. She was also my handbell choir director in church and became a personal friend. Knowing my late husband’s journey with lung cancer, Cindy contacted me when her doctors suspected she may have lung cancer. Her story gives me goosebumps. She had no symptoms. Here is her amazing story of a series of events that allowed early detection and treatment—and survival:
It’s been seven years now since Chris had the ride of his life to heaven. In honor of his memory, I’m posting an excerpt from my book “His Love Carries Me” that contains an excerpt from Chris’ book “Cancer on Two Wheels”:
A year before Chris died, he wrote a blog entry that he asked me to post after he died. I had read it then but hadn’t looked at it since. This particular entry was so important to him that it was first on his list of things for me to do after his death.
Well, it’s exactly 6 years after Chris died. As you’ll recall this past January, I wrote a blog titled, “Where Am I Now?” I wrote that I was moving forward with my life and had started dating in 2019, with the goal of finding someone to fall in love with and get married again.
After being in a couple of relationships that didn’t work out. I joined online dating again, praying that God would open the door to the right man and close the door on the men that weren’t right for me. Not only was God closing the door on every man, he was quickly slamming the door shut. Discouraged, thinking God was telling me this wasn’t the right time, I was about ready to call it quits for a while. But first, I got down on my knees and poured my heart out to God, telling Him that I really want to move forward with my life and find a great man to marry.
Then “Mr. Right” messaged me through Match.com.
You’ve lost someone very special to you. Time has passed, and you want to move forward with your life—but how do you do that?
I was widowed in 2016 at age 56, with a lot of life to live still ahead of me. My life has greatly changed since I began moving forward. Because of my husband’s cancer journey and subsequent death, I am suddenly a published author and am becoming a public speaker*—two things I would never have thought I would be in a million years. Sharing our story and helping others brings me joy.
I’m a little more than five and a half years into my grief, but I am still a work in progress. I’m not always strong and don’t always have it all together.
After my husband died, I couldn’t wait to attend a GriefShare class because I wanted to start dealing with my grief in the best way possible as soon as I could. After his death, I attended two full semesters of GriefShare.* No, I didn’t fail the class the first time, and I didn’t see it as a weakness to attend a second time. I saw it as a sign of strength because I wanted to do everything in my power to help me through my grief. Plus, I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss anything in case I was in a fog the first time. I also wanted to see how far I had progressed. Here are some tips that may help you work through your own grief.
In 2011, Chris fractured three vertebrae. We discovered he had developed osteoporosis, caused by a clinical trial drug he was taking. His doctor wanted him to receive an infusion to help reverse the bone loss as quickly as possible. She told him the most common side effects are flu-like symptoms.
I researched the drug options after we got home to see if they would jeopardize his health. I learned they can cause the femur—the strongest bone in the body—to break. But what I found next terrified me.
The following information will be helpful to those who have lost a spouse, will lose a spouse, or are the executor of an estate. You may click on the link below to download a copy of the Excel spreadsheet I put together and then edit it to pertain to your particular needs. Put a copy of it with the Last Will & Testament. It will be needed someday.
I was sitting in the banker’s office when I was ambushed. Not by a bank robber, but by words on her computer monitor. It was in big bold lettering at the top of the huge screen: “CHRIS HAGA, DECEASED. DATE OF DEATH 6-25-2016.
I had not been in denial at all. I had been terminating all of Chris’ accounts for a couple of weeks and had no problem telling people that he had passed away and the date of his death. It was administrative work that I had tackled as if I were working for my bookkeeping clients. (It was during that period when I was numb and just robot-like did what needed to be done.) But seeing it in bold letters on a financial document glaring at me, the finality of my husband’s life hit me smack in the face. This was my husband’s death we were dealing with, not just an administrative matter. When the banker looked up, tears were streaming down my face. She understandingly handed me a tissue and waited for me to regain my composure.
Now that we are starting a new year, I’ve decided it’s time to look back and reflect on the five and a half years since Chris died on 6/25/2016. Where am I now? How did I get here?
It hasn’t always been an easy road, but much easier than I anticipated because of the help I have received along the way—not only from family, long-time friends, and new friends—but especially with God’s guidance.
I lost more than just a husband when Chris died. I lost my best friend, my confidante, provider, lover, advisor, spiritual leader, companion, encourager, inspiration, errand runner, driver, handyman, cook, chore helper, yard worker, support system, and bug killer. I remember the first time I had to capture a gecko that found its way into the house, I broke down and cried. That was Chris’ job to get rid of unwanted creatures. Even the simple things that Chris always handled like checking the car’s tire pressure or replacing the battery in the garage door keypad had me in tears. (I didn’t know the thing even ran on batteries.)
I met Don Gallagher through my website. He contacted me after he and his wife had read Chris’ book “Cancer on Two Wheels” and my book “His Love Carries Me.” He wanted to thank me for publishing the books that helped them navigate through his lung cancer journey. An engineer, cyclist, and never-smoker like Chris, he could relate with Chris’ story, and his wife learned to be a diligent advocate from my experiences.
If a family member or someone you care about has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, it can be difficult to process what will happen. After a while, many individuals come to terms with the eventual loss they will face. With that, many are forced to examine what loose ends they will need to tie up, from handling legal affairs to developing a support network for themselves and others. Haga Books of Faith invites you to learn more about what you can do to ease this transition with these suggestions in mind.
The evening of June 24, 2016, Chris was comatose. The nurse told me he may pass that night. Time ticked on. I had an hour of sleep in the last two days, and our sons had traveled from afar to be with their dad.
“Come on, Chris, we’re so tired. What are you waiting for?” I asked during the wee hours the next morning. It sounded callous, and my words shocked everyone, including myself. Exhaustion had taken over.
The hours continued to pass.
“Jesus, hurry up. Just take me now!” Chris begged.
By June 23, 2016, Chris was out of breath just standing. He was ready for the end to come. It was agonizing to watch him struggling, but it also made it easier for me to be willing to let him go. It didn’t appear God intended to heal him this time. He couldn’t ride his bike, do photography, eat, sleep, or work. He didn’t even have the stamina to stand up. His food, water, and breathing were restricted. He had absolutely no pleasures or quality of life left.
“I feel like God has abandoned me. Why isn’t He answering?” asked Chris.
It finally dawned on me.
We attended a local concert in 2014 where Christian artist Carman Licciardello was singing. Diagnosed with cancer in 2013, Carman was told to get his affairs in order and prepare to die. But a year after treatment and disease-free, he was touring again.
After one of his songs, he asked his audience to stand up and join him in singing it again with him. Neither Chris nor I could open our mouths; we were choked up after hearing words we felt were meant for us. Wrapping our arms around each other’s waist, tears streamed down our cheeks as everyone around us sang “Prayer.” The song was about how nothing is impossible for those who faithfully believe. With prayer, the Lord can move a mountain and create miracles over and over again.
Imerman Angels is an international program that recruits mentors to provide emotional support for cancer patients and their caregivers, matching them with someone going through the same type of cancer and treatment. I signed up to be a Mentor Angel and was matched in 2014 with Kay in Colorado. We talked fairly often by email and sometimes by phone.
“How do you fight depression?” she asked one day.
Today would have been our 36th wedding anniversary. I still miss Chris so much. But I have peace because I can see the bigger picture, especially after writing about our journey through cancer.
Although we’ll never know exactly why God allowed Chris to have lung cancer, we were blessed to have experienced such an ordeal together. As trite and inconceivable as that might sound, it’s true. Our love for each other grew stronger. We learned to not take life or each other for granted. Each day became more treasured as God’s hand was revealed, even in difficult moments.
It’s hard to believe it’s been four years ago today when Chris passed away. Life has continued on and been filled with excitement with the marriage of our older son four months later and the birth of our first grandchild almost nine months ago. I’ve published two books and have been working on a big project the last two years (I’ll share more about that sometime).
On the downside, a close relative has had a return of metastatic cancer after almost 20 years of remission. A total shock. Then two nights ago I received a call from my cousin. Her husband had a massive stroke and is currently nonresponsive. Then there’s the COVID-19 pandemic the whole world is facing. We never know what may be in our future, do we?
