General

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Are You Ready?

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It’s hard to believe it’s been four years ago today when Chris passed away. Life has continued on and been filled with excitement with the marriage of our older son four months later and the birth of our first grandchild almost nine months ago. I’ve published two books and have been working on a big project the last two years (I’ll share more about that sometime).

On the downside, a close relative has had a return of metastatic cancer after almost 20 years of remission. A total shock. Then two nights ago I received a call from my cousin. Her husband had a massive stroke and is currently nonresponsive. Then there’s the COVID-19 pandemic the whole world is facing. We never know what may be in our future, do we?

A Small Miracle

When you’re dealing with cancer, things that wouldn’t normally frustrate the average person can be extremely stressful and frustrating for the cancer patient (and the caregiver). Although I had rarely seen Chris cry during the first 26 years of our marriage, after the cancer diagnosis, that changed. He became easily frustrated over things that never bothered him previously. Emotions easily surfaced, as he was having to deal with a life-threatening illness, side effects of treatment, side effects of the cancer itself, changes in work status and routine, changes in physical appearance, financial stress, loss of social activities, loss of physical capabilities, etc. I tried to put myself in his place, which helped me be more compassionate.

My moods reflected his. When he was up, I was up. When he was down, I was down. One particular day,

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Your Days are Numbered

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Do you ever wonder when your last day on earth will be? Only God knows. We never like to lose loved ones and usually feel God took them too soon. But God has a plan for our life here on earth, and He determined the number of our days before we were even born.

If you were to die tomorrow, have you done everything you wish you could have done—things that really mattered? Or has “life” gotten in the way?

Generating Memories for Generations

When Chris died, I was left with a closet full of his clothes and didn’t know what to do with them. I started giving them away before my sister-in-law stopped me. “You need to save them! Maybe make a memory quilt for Chad and Shane or for yourself out of Chris’ favorite shirts. Or a stuffed animal for your grandchildren.” Well, none of us wanted a quilt, and I didn’t have any grandchildren on the horizon. Over time, I sorted out his favorite clothing to keep. (Chris had a lot of favorites.)

Three years passed, and I now had a granddaughter on the way. But every time I tried to pick out which item(s) of clothing to use first, it was too emotionally overwhelming. I could still envision Chris wearing those clothes. With the help of two dear friends, I was finally able to make a decision.

The Circle of Life Goes On

Our older son, Chad, was in the most important race of his life this past week. He was in the Netherlands for a Team Sunweb 2020 meeting when his wife called from Colorado at 2 a.m. telling him, “Get home now.” Although she wasn’t due for 2 weeks, they were going to induce her labor. He had 22 hours of travel and was still 30 minutes away when Kate was ready to push. This “Wonder Woman” was able to wait until Chad arrived to push. Thanks to prayers from lots of friends and family as well as a friend “enthusiastically driving” Chad from the airport, Chad arrived in time, and Elena Brynne was born 30 minutes after he arrived at the hospital. Kate and the baby are doing well. Chad ended his racing season by winning the race and the biggest and best prize of all. I think he’s still standing on the top podium basking in its glory.

A Ranch and a Horse Named "Haga"

A month after Chris died in 2016, Chad, Shane, and I drove to our favorite family vacation spot, a Christian family dude ranch in Estes Park, called Wind River Ranch.  We visited there 3 different summers when the boys were younger.  The boys had rated it a perfect “10” while they rated Disney World only a “7.”  We all found this to be a place to seek and find God and enjoy family time in a relaxed Christian atmosphere.

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Tributes to a Legacy

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Chad and Shane wanted to pay a special final tribute to their dad and his fight of "cancer on two wheels."

As Chris fought over the years, his body was less able to handle riding his bike, even though he desperately wanted to continue. Eventually, his bike stood in the garage, unused. Their desire was that their dad, though absent in body, would be able to roll out with them for one last ride. So exactly one week after he passed, down to the minute (Saturday at 7 a.m. and his usual ride time), Chad and Shane rolled for a lap around the neighborhood with his bike, each carrying one of his favorite jerseys.

The Sparrow

When you're dealing with cancer--especially lung cancer--you never know when you may need to make a sudden exit due to a coughing spell or, to put it delicately, "intestinal issues." When Chris went to church, he began sitting in the spot closest to the exit door for such an emergency. The greeter assigned to our section, dear ol' George, began putting a "Reserved" sign on the back of the seats for Chris and me.

As a way to remember and honor the legacy of their father, Chad and Shane reserved Chris' regular seat in church at his funeral.

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If You Could See Me Now

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As we near the third anniversary of Chris' death, I've decided to share another special part of his life with you.

Chris’ last month was very humbling for a man who had always been strong and took good care of his family. (In return, it was my privilege and honor to be his caregiver and be by his side throughout this 6-year journey.) He was in almost constant back pain because of the changes in his torso due to a collapsed lung and 5 fractured vertebrae that had been repaired. He walked lopsided with one shoulder noticeably lower than the other due to his collapsed lung. He also lost 2 inches in height. If you could see him now, he’s walking streets of gold. He’s standing tall and whole!

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No Longer Just a Dream

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In 2010, Chris told our older son, Chad, “Go for it and chase your dream. I have no doubt you’ll make it.” (see my previous blog): Chasing a Dream

Chad reached one dream last year—his first time to race in the Tour de France. Today he reached another dream: to win an Individual Time Trial (ITT) in a WorldTour—a Grand Tour—the Giro d’Italia (Italy’s version of the Tour de France for those who aren’t familiar with the cycling world).

The Woman Behind the Camera

My younger son, Shane, was nicknamed “Baby Haga” by his cycling teammates—not because he’s my “baby,” but because he’s Chad’s baby brother. They were both on the same elite Austin-based Super Squadra team. The nickname stuck. So here’s Baby Haga’s blog in honor of Mother’s Day 2014, that still brings me to tears.

Mother's [Birth]Day

Back in 2012, Chad wrote a blog to honor my birthday and Mother’s Day. I thought today would be an appropriate day to share what wonderful boys I have. (Shane’s blog dedicated to me will be next.) For those who get to spend Mother’s Day with your children, count yourselves lucky. I have still not been able to spend Mother’s Day with Chad since he originally wrote this blog. This year, Chad is “across the big pond” in Italy—racing the Giro d’Italia (Italy’s version of the Tour de France for those who are non-cycling fans.)

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"Making Cancer History" Seminar

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I attended an educational seminar today sponsored by MD Anderson at the Ritz-Carlton in Dallas. I had an opportunity to chat briefly with Dr. John Heymach, the oncologist to whom I give credit in my book (His Love Carries Me) for saving Chris’ life in 2010. Dr. Heymach not only changed Chris’ treatment plan from chemo to radiation when he had postobstructive pneumonia, he recognized that Chris fit the profile for having a rare ALK+ gene mutation and sent his lung biopsy tissue to be tested. The results came back positive, and MD Anderson’s clinical trial for ALK+ helped Chris achieve “no evidence of disease” within 12 weeks of starting the trial. Chris never had the opportunity to get his photo taken with Dr. Heymach, so I grabbed the chance when I got it!

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Strong Support System

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Seeing Chris so weak during radiation was scary. Formerly robust and full of vitality, he became skin and bones, sleeping a lot, and looking like “death warmed over.” I struggled to keep a strong front, holding a tsunami of emotions in. Occasionally, billowy waves crashed over me, destroying my façade.

Many mornings I’d have a smile on my face as I kissed Chris good-bye before I went to work. But as soon as I got in my car, tears started flowing, and I cried all the way to the office. My client and his wife, Jay and Lou Ann, were so compassionate. Having worked with them for eleven years in their home-based office, we’d become close friends. Seeing me walk in the door with a shiny red nose and bloodshot eyes, they knew I was having a rough morning and let me cry on their shoulders while they comforted me.

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Homes of Hope

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My younger son, Shane, was Chad’s shadow. Whatever Chad did, Shane did. Their lives always seemed to be intertwined as best buddies. After Shane graduated from college and was unhappy with his chosen career path, he decided to try his brother’s dream career. Shane, too, became a professional bicyclist, before he quickly realized that was Chad’s dream—not his. Here are excerpts from what Shane wrote in 2014 (shared with his permission):

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More Than Sport

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My older son, Chad, just finished racing his first Tour de France, and his professional cycling team, Team Sunweb, helped Tom Dumoulin place second overall. As proud and excited as I am for him and for them, Chad will be the first to tell you that there is more to life than just sports. Below are excerpts from a blog that he wrote about a life-changing experience he had in 2013 (shared with his permission):

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Living the Dream

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Well, yesterday was quite the exciting day. Chad officially became a bike racer in the eyes of the American public as he entered his first stage of the Tour de France. Although he has seven Grand Tours already under his belt, because the general public in America has never heard of those races, those tours don't count.

A Song for My Heart

At our monthly Cancer Encouragement Group in 2013, Paul Guffey, a cancer survivor and talented musician, played the guitar and sang a soft, tranquil song that he wrote. I found myself wiping away tears; it made my heart swell so much with emotion that I couldn’t contain it. The song helped me realize that my love for the Lord had continued and grown despite the storms in life we were experiencing. He was giving me the strength to carry on through each day. With Paul’s permission, I will share the lyrics with you and pray that it will touch your heart, too.