I shared my heart with my Bible study group last month. Below is what I sent to them:
I've been reminiscing today looking at some old blogs I've written and am still amazed at how God has used my life over the last 14 years to help others. I'm hesitant to speak up sometimes during our Bible study "Sharing" questions for fear I may come across as trying to use our group to promote my books. But it's time I speak up.
The evening of June 24, 2016, Chris was comatose. The nurse told me he may pass that night. Time ticked on. I had an hour of sleep in the last two days, and our sons had traveled from afar to be with their dad.
“Come on, Chris, we’re so tired. What are you waiting for?” I asked during the wee hours the next morning. It sounded callous, and my words shocked everyone, including myself. Exhaustion had taken over.
The hours continued to pass.
“Jesus, hurry up. Just take me now!” Chris begged.
By June 23, 2016, Chris was out of breath just standing. He was ready for the end to come. It was agonizing to watch him struggling, but it also made it easier for me to be willing to let him go. It didn’t appear God intended to heal him this time. He couldn’t ride his bike, do photography, eat, sleep, or work. He didn’t even have the stamina to stand up. His food, water, and breathing were restricted. He had absolutely no pleasures or quality of life left.
“I feel like God has abandoned me. Why isn’t He answering?” asked Chris.
It finally dawned on me.
It’s hard to believe it’s been four years ago today when Chris passed away. Life has continued on and been filled with excitement with the marriage of our older son four months later and the birth of our first grandchild almost nine months ago. I’ve published two books and have been working on a big project the last two years (I’ll share more about that sometime).
On the downside, a close relative has had a return of metastatic cancer after almost 20 years of remission. A total shock. Then two nights ago I received a call from my cousin. Her husband had a massive stroke and is currently nonresponsive. Then there’s the COVID-19 pandemic the whole world is facing. We never know what may be in our future, do we?
Three years ago today, Chris went home with the Lord. In remembrance, here’s part of his eulogy:
Chris knew that this was his temporary home. We can’t celebrate his life without talking about what was most important to him, and that was his faith. When Chris was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer in July 2010, no one understood why he would have gotten that particular type of cancer since he had never smoked in his entire life. He could only come up with one reason: He accepted the diagnosis as part of God’s plan to use him to reach others as he witnessed for Christ. Chris also helped pave the way for successful treatments to be used on other lung cancer patients. He took part in 4 clinical trials, 2 of which were FDA approved while he was in the trials due to the success the treatments were achieving. Chris said he was willing to be a guinea pig if it helped someone else beat lung cancer.
I had an opportunity to share about God’s faithfulness during an interview about Cancer on Two Wheels and His Love Carries Me on “The Review with Joy and Company” on live radio. It may not have been a loud roar like a lion, but it’s the loudest my lamb’s voice can do without becoming hoarse.
Although I was panicking and filled with anxiety the weekend before the interview, Joy, Rose, and Rosemary put me at ease, and it was an enjoyable experience. With each speaking engagement, I am becoming more confident as I share our story in speaking engagements. Here is the link to the interview on Facebook Live.
It's hard to believe that two years ago today the love of my life took his first breath in heaven. In commemoration, I will give you a peek into the love we shared.
In 2011, less than a year into his battle with stage IV lung cancer, Chris was in the hospital on Valentine’s Day recovering from an almost non-existent immune system from chemo. I had just gotten over a cold but still wore a mask to prevent breathing any germs on him.
I gave him a heart-shaped box of chocolates decorated with the words “Faith, Hope, Love.” Those words described exactly what we had. Here is the letter that I included in my Valentine's Day card to him:
At our monthly Cancer Encouragement Group in 2013, Paul Guffey, a cancer survivor and talented musician, played the guitar and sang a soft, tranquil song that he wrote. I found myself wiping away tears; it made my heart swell so much with emotion that I couldn’t contain it. The song helped me realize that my love for the Lord had continued and grown despite the storms in life we were experiencing. He was giving me the strength to carry on through each day. With Paul’s permission, I will share the lyrics with you and pray that it will touch your heart, too.
