After my husband died, I couldn’t wait to attend a GriefShare class because I wanted to start dealing with my grief in the best way possible as soon as I could. After his death, I attended two full semesters of GriefShare.* No, I didn’t fail the class the first time, and I didn’t see it as a weakness to attend a second time. I saw it as a sign of strength because I wanted to do everything in my power to help me through my grief. Plus, I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss anything in case I was in a fog the first time. I also wanted to see how far I had progressed. Here are some tips that may help you work through your own grief.
Use the GriefShare Workbook: The first time I took the class, I wrote in my GriefShare workbook in a certain color of ink and dated my entries. The second time through the workbook, I wrote in a different color. It was interesting to see how I had progressed over time. I highly recommend using their workbook. It really forces you to think through things and brings your emotions to the forefront where you can deal better with them.
Suck It Up Temporarily: When feeling grief in a public setting, I tried (not always successfully) to “suck it up” temporarily, knowing that when I was in the privacy of my home alone, I could relive that earlier moment of grief and let the tears flow until I could cry no more. Tears are healing.
Ask for Help: There’s a popular saying that “God never gives you more than you can handle,” but that’s not in the Bible. That cliché is so far from the truth. If God doesn’t give us more than we could handle, then exactly when would we learn to depend on Him? You don’t have to handle grief by yourself. Friends, family, counselors, and special groups (such as for widows/widowers or grieving parents) can also continue to help you through your grief, but you have to take the initiative to ask for help.
Reframe Your Thoughts: My husband didn’t see cancer as a death sentence—he saw it as a life sentence. Chris believed that he would be completely healed from cancer. But he said if the time should come when cancer takes his earthly body, because of his belief in Jesus Chris, when he took his last breath on earth, he would take his first breath in heaven and he would continue to worship Jesus. Either way, he would still live!
Do Not Worry: The days that God has allotted for us are already determined before we were born. I believe that now more than ever.
Chris’ nurse expected he would pass on Friday evening, but my husband lingered on through the night. I hadn’t understood why God prolonged the last day of Chris’ life. Sometimes I’m a little slow to connect the dots. God had a perfect plan for His timetable, not ours. It wasn’t a coincidence that Chris passed on Saturday morning, June 25th, at exactly seven o’clock. God knew that nothing else would give me more peace about my husband’s passing than knowing he went on that particular day, on that specific date, and at that precise time.
His favorite time to ride his bike was seven o’clock on Saturday mornings. And on that Saturday, he had the ride of his life to heaven.
I don’t know how many times over the years I heard Chris tell me, “You worry too much.” The date of his death, June 25th, is numerically “6-25.” His favorite Bible passage began with Matthew 6:25, which tells us, “Do not worry.” He asked that it be read at his funeral. Even through his death, my husband was still reminding me, “Do not worry, God is in control.”
Choose Joy by Helping Others: We had asked God for a miracle cure. He gave it to us three times. Since it wasn’t His will to heal Chris a fourth time, I need to be content with the path chosen for us. I could allow myself to succumb to anger and self-pity, wallowing in my grief. But I made a promise to Chris on his deathbed, “I’ll be okay.” So I’m choosing to have joy in the time I have left here on earth and follow a path of happiness by helping others in a way that both honors my husband’s memory and reflects Christ’s love.
Look for Your Purpose: I had a discussion with a retired surgeon a year after Chris died. I told him about Chris and the size of the tumor in his chest. The doctor told me, “The chance of his surviving more than six months with a mass that size was zero percent. It’s only because of God that he survived six years.”
Thankfully, no one had ever given us that statistic before. It wasn’t just a small miracle that Chris lived six years. It was a huge miracle that he lived more than six months!
The magnitude of what God did and allowed us to be a part of sank in and overwhelmed me later that night as I had an “aha” moment. I dropped to my knees, sobbing. I bowed in reverence to God for His awesome power to heal and for allowing me to play a role as Chris’ caregiver. I finally fully understood what compelled me to write my book and publish my husband’s blog. God wanted me to share His love story. He knew long before we did that we would be willing to write about our experience. We are reaching more people for Christ now than when Chris was simply writing his blog—and definitely more than before he had cancer. Chris never intended to publish a book, yet it is now available to give encouragement as I share our story worldwide.
Look For Your ‘Aha’ Moment: I pray that you will some day have your own “aha” moment, if you haven’t already, that will allow the Lord’s love to carry you through your grief. But realize that you may never have an “aha” moment. We have to be content that God doesn’t have to share why He allows things to happen. Chris struggled to find the purpose for having lung cancer when he had never smoked. He died not being able to see the big picture.
Remember God Has the Last Word: It’s important for you to know that when Chris died, cancer didn’t have the last word—God did. As a friend said at the graveside service, “Chris didn’t lose his battle with cancer. Cancer lost its battle with Chris. When the cancer conquered his body, the cancer stopped living. It died. Forever. But Chris lives because Jesus conquered sin and death for us!”
Have Hope for Your Loved One’s Salvation: What if you believe your loved one was destined for hell? The requirement to enter God’s kingdom is to believe in Christ as your Savior (Acts 16:31). The thief on the cross believed during his last moments. Jesus’ response is recorded in Luke 23:43. “And He said to him, ‘Truly I say to you, today you will be with Me in Paradise.’” It’s possible for a person to repent right before dying, accept Jesus as his/her Savior, and be guaranteed eternity in heaven.
Let His Love Carry You: The Lord’s love, as well as my husband’s love, carries me through each day and will continue to do so until I reach my final destiny. I know without a doubt they will both be waiting for me in heaven with open arms.
——————————————-
Do you have assurance of where you will spend your final destiny? If you’ve never invited Jesus into your life but want to do so, simply pray something like this:
“Dear Lord, I admit I’ve sinned in my life and ask you to forgive me. I believe You’re the Son of God and that You died on the cross to take the punishment for my sin. I believe You were buried and rose again from the grave. Thank You for Your gift of eternal life. I accept that gift and invite You into my life as my personal Savior. I choose to follow You into eternity. It’s in Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.”
——————————————-
* To find a GriefShare group near you, visit GriefShare.org
If you would like me to speak with your GriefShare group, cancer encouragement group, caregiver’s group, church fellowship group, book club, or radio broadcast, please contact me through my website.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the products or services that I have mentioned. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”