Today would have been our 36th wedding anniversary. I still miss Chris so much. But I have peace because I can see the bigger picture, especially after writing about our journey through cancer.
Although we’ll never know exactly why God allowed Chris to have lung cancer, we were blessed to have experienced such an ordeal together. As trite and inconceivable as that might sound, it’s true. Our love for each other grew stronger. We learned to not take life or each other for granted. Each day became more treasured as God’s hand was revealed, even in difficult moments.
We had asked God for a miracle cure. He gave it to us three times. Since it wasn’t His will to heal Chris a fourth time, I need to be content with the path chosen for us. I could allow myself to succumb to anger and self-pity, wallowing in my grief. But I refuse to let cancer have the last word in my life. I made a promise to Chris on his deathbed, “I’ll be okay.” So I’m choosing to have joy in the time I have left here on earth and follow a path of happiness by helping others in a way that both honors my husband’s memory and reflects Christ’s love.
“You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.”
—John 16:20 NIV
A year after Chris died, I told a retired surgeon about Chris and the size of his lung tumor. This doctor told me, “The chance of his surviving more than six months with a mass that size was zero percent. It’s only because of you, his doctors, and God that he survived six years.” No one had ever given us that statistic before. It wasn’t just a small miracle that Chris lived six years. It was a huge miracle that he lived more than six months!
The magnitude of what God did and allowed us to be a part of sank in and overwhelmed me during the middle of that night. I dropped to my knees, sobbing. I bowed in reverence to God for His awesome power to heal and for allowing me to play a role as Chris’s caregiver. I finally fully understood what compelled me to write my book and publish Chris’ blog. God wanted me to share His love story.
Christ’s love, as well as my husband’s, carries me through each day and will continue to do so until I reach my final destiny. I know without a doubt they are both waiting for me in heaven with open arms. When I get there, I will forever experience love, peace, and compassion as never before.
“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son,
that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.”
—John 3:16