A Small Miracle

When you’re dealing with cancer, things that wouldn’t normally frustrate the average person can be extremely stressful and frustrating for the cancer patient (and the caregiver). Although I had rarely seen Chris cry during the first 26 years of our marriage, after the cancer diagnosis, that changed. He became easily frustrated over things that never bothered him previously. Emotions easily surfaced, as he was having to deal with a life-threatening illness, side effects of treatment, side effects of the cancer itself, changes in work status and routine, changes in physical appearance, financial stress, loss of social activities, loss of physical capabilities, etc. I tried to put myself in his place, which helped me be more compassionate.

My moods reflected his. When he was up, I was up. When he was down, I was down. One particular day,

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The Last Word

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I started cleaning house tonight, getting ready for family to come celebrate an early Christmas. Dusting the nativity scene, I stopped to pause and think about that little baby in the manger and the sole reason He was born. He was born to be the Savior for you and me.

If you’re missing a loved one due to health issues, or you’re about to lose someone, remember that cancer didn’t have the last word—God did. As our friend Tom Wohlgamuth said at the graveside service, “Chris didn’t lose his battle with cancer. Cancer lost its battle with Chris. When the cancer conquered his body, the cancer stopped living. It died. Forever. But Chris lives because Jesus conquered sin and death for us!”

Grief During the Christmas Season

This time of year has become a time of emotional struggle for me over the last three years. With Chris’ birthday in mid-November, followed by Thanksgiving and then Christmas, I really miss him during this season more than the rest of the year, simply because this is a time to be shared with those you love the most. I still haven’t been able to put up a Christmas tree because it would be a constant in-my-face reminder that Chris is missing. It was our annual tradition to take a family photo in front of the Christmas tree every year.

A dear friend suggested I read the Book of Luke in the Bible. There are 24 chapters about the life of Christ—from birth through his death, resurrection, and ascension into heaven. “If you read one chapter a day, that will take you to Christmas day.” It’s a beautiful reminder of what this season is all about.

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Your Days are Numbered

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Do you ever wonder when your last day on earth will be? Only God knows. We never like to lose loved ones and usually feel God took them too soon. But God has a plan for our life here on earth, and He determined the number of our days before we were even born.

If you were to die tomorrow, have you done everything you wish you could have done—things that really mattered? Or has “life” gotten in the way?

Generating Memories for Generations

When Chris died, I was left with a closet full of his clothes and didn’t know what to do with them. I started giving them away before my sister-in-law stopped me. “You need to save them! Maybe make a memory quilt for Chad and Shane or for yourself out of Chris’ favorite shirts. Or a stuffed animal for your grandchildren.” Well, none of us wanted a quilt, and I didn’t have any grandchildren on the horizon. Over time, I sorted out his favorite clothing to keep. (Chris had a lot of favorites.)

Three years passed, and I now had a granddaughter on the way. But every time I tried to pick out which item(s) of clothing to use first, it was too emotionally overwhelming. I could still envision Chris wearing those clothes. With the help of two dear friends, I was finally able to make a decision.

The Circle of Life Goes On

Our older son, Chad, was in the most important race of his life this past week. He was in the Netherlands for a Team Sunweb 2020 meeting when his wife called from Colorado at 2 a.m. telling him, “Get home now.” Although she wasn’t due for 2 weeks, they were going to induce her labor. He had 22 hours of travel and was still 30 minutes away when Kate was ready to push. This “Wonder Woman” was able to wait until Chad arrived to push. Thanks to prayers from lots of friends and family as well as a friend “enthusiastically driving” Chad from the airport, Chad arrived in time, and Elena Brynne was born 30 minutes after he arrived at the hospital. Kate and the baby are doing well. Chad ended his racing season by winning the race and the biggest and best prize of all. I think he’s still standing on the top podium basking in its glory.

A Ranch and a Horse Named "Haga"

A month after Chris died in 2016, Chad, Shane, and I drove to our favorite family vacation spot, a Christian family dude ranch in Estes Park, called Wind River Ranch.  We visited there 3 different summers when the boys were younger.  The boys had rated it a perfect “10” while they rated Disney World only a “7.”  We all found this to be a place to seek and find God and enjoy family time in a relaxed Christian atmosphere.

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Tributes to a Legacy

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Chad and Shane wanted to pay a special final tribute to their dad and his fight of "cancer on two wheels."

As Chris fought over the years, his body was less able to handle riding his bike, even though he desperately wanted to continue. Eventually, his bike stood in the garage, unused. Their desire was that their dad, though absent in body, would be able to roll out with them for one last ride. So exactly one week after he passed, down to the minute (Saturday at 7 a.m. and his usual ride time), Chad and Shane rolled for a lap around the neighborhood with his bike, each carrying one of his favorite jerseys.

The Sparrow

When you're dealing with cancer--especially lung cancer--you never know when you may need to make a sudden exit due to a coughing spell or, to put it delicately, "intestinal issues." When Chris went to church, he began sitting in the spot closest to the exit door for such an emergency. The greeter assigned to our section, dear ol' George, began putting a "Reserved" sign on the back of the seats for Chris and me.

As a way to remember and honor the legacy of their father, Chad and Shane reserved Chris' regular seat in church at his funeral.

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A Life Sentence

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Three years ago today, Chris went home with the Lord. In remembrance, here’s part of his eulogy:

Chris knew that this was his temporary home.  We can’t celebrate his life without talking about what was most important to him, and that was his faith.  When Chris was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer in July 2010, no one understood why he would have gotten that particular type of cancer since he had never smoked in his entire life.  He could only come up with one reason:  He accepted the diagnosis as part of God’s plan to use him to reach others as he witnessed for Christ.  Chris also helped pave the way for successful treatments to be used on other lung cancer patients.  He took part in 4 clinical trials, 2 of which were FDA approved while he was in the trials due to the success the treatments were achieving. Chris said he was willing to be a guinea pig if it helped someone else beat lung cancer.  

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If You Could See Me Now

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As we near the third anniversary of Chris' death, I've decided to share another special part of his life with you.

Chris’ last month was very humbling for a man who had always been strong and took good care of his family. (In return, it was my privilege and honor to be his caregiver and be by his side throughout this 6-year journey.) He was in almost constant back pain because of the changes in his torso due to a collapsed lung and 5 fractured vertebrae that had been repaired. He walked lopsided with one shoulder noticeably lower than the other due to his collapsed lung. He also lost 2 inches in height. If you could see him now, he’s walking streets of gold. He’s standing tall and whole!

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No Longer Just a Dream

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In 2010, Chris told our older son, Chad, “Go for it and chase your dream. I have no doubt you’ll make it.” (see my previous blog): Chasing a Dream

Chad reached one dream last year—his first time to race in the Tour de France. Today he reached another dream: to win an Individual Time Trial (ITT) in a WorldTour—a Grand Tour—the Giro d’Italia (Italy’s version of the Tour de France for those who aren’t familiar with the cycling world).

The Woman Behind the Camera

My younger son, Shane, was nicknamed “Baby Haga” by his cycling teammates—not because he’s my “baby,” but because he’s Chad’s baby brother. They were both on the same elite Austin-based Super Squadra team. The nickname stuck. So here’s Baby Haga’s blog in honor of Mother’s Day 2014, that still brings me to tears.

Mother's [Birth]Day

Back in 2012, Chad wrote a blog to honor my birthday and Mother’s Day. I thought today would be an appropriate day to share what wonderful boys I have. (Shane’s blog dedicated to me will be next.) For those who get to spend Mother’s Day with your children, count yourselves lucky. I have still not been able to spend Mother’s Day with Chad since he originally wrote this blog. This year, Chad is “across the big pond” in Italy—racing the Giro d’Italia (Italy’s version of the Tour de France for those who are non-cycling fans.)

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"Making Cancer History" Seminar

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I attended an educational seminar today sponsored by MD Anderson at the Ritz-Carlton in Dallas. I had an opportunity to chat briefly with Dr. John Heymach, the oncologist to whom I give credit in my book (His Love Carries Me) for saving Chris’ life in 2010. Dr. Heymach not only changed Chris’ treatment plan from chemo to radiation when he had postobstructive pneumonia, he recognized that Chris fit the profile for having a rare ALK+ gene mutation and sent his lung biopsy tissue to be tested. The results came back positive, and MD Anderson’s clinical trial for ALK+ helped Chris achieve “no evidence of disease” within 12 weeks of starting the trial. Chris never had the opportunity to get his photo taken with Dr. Heymach, so I grabbed the chance when I got it!

Danielle's Story

In February 2016, Chris and I had the privilege of meeting Danielle James and her husband at a LUNGevity Hope Summit in the Dallas area. Danielle benefited from the drug crizotinib that Chris was in the clinical trial for when it was FDA approved for lung cancer. They shared the same rare gene mutation. She is such an inspiration with what she is doing with her life, I just had to share. This is Danielle’s story (shared with her permission):

And the Winner Is . . .

. . . DeLayne Haga for His Love Carries Me. Yes, I won the “Henri Award” at the 2018 Christian Literary Awards gala! This is Joy & Company’s “most prestigious award among faith-based writers.” The book won in the “Non-Fiction” category against some strong competition. It was a night to remember with photos on the red carpet and an interview by radio personality/author Donna Patrick.

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In Loving Memory and In Honor

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We had just found out the previous day at MD Anderson Cancer Center (in August 2010) that Chris was considered to have inoperable stage IV lung cancer, which had metastasized to the brain. As reality settled in the next day, I was an emotional wreck, no longer numb from the initial shock of the previous day’s news. But cancer wouldn’t wait for me to gain control of my emotions. It would continue to threaten my husband’s life at a rapid pace. I couldn’t let fear paralyze me. I needed to take action to learn how to best treat it and enhance my husband’s quality of life. I had a job to do as his caregiver, and I planned to give it my best shot. Being part of the team to save his life began with learning as much as I could about what we were facing.